It could always be worse....

You know sometimes when the chips are down and you've been constantly telling yourself, "Self, things can always be worse."  It's true and you have good friends that are truly dealing with worse things so you feel like a selfish jerk for feeling the way you feel.  Ironically, this only adds onto the stress, distress or whatever you're dealing with.    Well that's where I'm at.  Smack dab in the middle of it all.  I laugh, I cajole, I make light of the situation but there's always that straw - you know that one little bit of crap that just makes it all tumble down.   It lowers the defenses, the jovial sense of it couldn't get any worse.   The smile you force yourself to wear every day.  (I'm really trying hard not to break into a lot of profanities, but it too, is hard.)  

I've had it.  Yes, it could be worse.  But honestly, if it gets any worse, I'm not sure if my hard shell and "tough" exterior can take it.  I want to explode.  I want to lash out.  I want to BREAK stuff.  I'm tired of being that strong woman that can always deal with it all when I just want to go into a fetal position and just break down and cry for days.  I've been through a lot.... A LOT over my 38+ years and some things I really AM surprised that I got through.   Although I'm sure there are scars that perhaps have opened up over just the past 6 months that may be adding insult to injury.   I keep thinking what have I done to deserve this?  I've always been a good person - ALWAYS.   My honesty can sometimes be a fault if people really aren't looking for the truth, but it's who I am.  I want to be bitter but where will that get me.   For goodness sakes, there are people starving in third world countries and troops dying overseas!  

I had to delete a lot of the rest of what I was writing.   It serves no purpose other than to just alleviate my pain and suffering - or rather just to vent.  Suffice to say, I'm being taken advantage of by someone that once told me he loved me.   Love is definitely not everything.  I suppose I should have learned that lesson a long time ago, but I was too young and well... in love.   I refused a long time ago to be soiled by love, to believe in my heart that it's still worth it.  I'll try now but I'm afraid it may not be so easy, if even possible, especially as someone who has always loved pretty deeply.  There's always my animals and I do love them a lot and there's roller derby and of course my work, if I had a job.   One silver lining right now is I look forward to finding a great job that I can be infinitely passoinate about.  I really had that with Zumobi but unfortunately the pitfalls of a startup are job stability.   At least in that relationship, it wasn't me.